Going back aways...
I'm going to share some excerpts from my journal that I wrote this past year. This is so hard for me but I feel like I need to do it...
4-13-2010 8:13p.m.
I'm on the verge of unstoppable tears, some have fallen, are brimming, yet something holds back the torrent. The pressure its building in my head, my throat, my chest... my heart, is suffocating. Pride goes before the fall so they say. I've always taken pride in my strength. Perhaps this is why I'm falling so hard to my worst weaknesses. Countless times to myself I've declared how I'm going to change my surroundings, my people, the world... me. Yet, here I sit as tattered and broken as I've ever been, despising the things in me that need to go, need to change. But I can't seem to gain any ground. I'm drowning. In a sea of heart ache, selfishness, momentary pleasure, confusion, impatience, distrust... and the second God draws me to the surface I take a glorious breath, then dive back in 'til my air is gone and I'm hopelessly entangled again, with no obvious way out. When will God get tired of dragging me back to His surface?
I've read a story about a little girl who has a set of plastic pearls that she dresses up with all the time and loves dearly. Her Dad has a set of real and beautiful pearls he wants her to have but he wants to make sure that she's ready for the real thing so he asks her if she will give him her pearls and she says "no". He continues to ask her everyday and finally with tears in her eyes, because her heart is broken over the loss of what she thinks she wants, she gives them to him and this is when he gives her the real thing.
I feel like this may be exactly where I'm at. I'm dressing up everyday with something other than the very best that God has for me. I am so scared to let it go because I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared if I let go of this, there won't be anyone else to come along. I have to get used to it just being me. I know God is there for me. He's the lover of my soul and He has my future in His hands but I'm so tired of waiting. God forgive me for my severe lack of faith, for my doubt. I'm stretching out my hands but they're balled into fists. This has always been my number one struggle. It has masqueraded around my entire life as many different things but once the masks are peeled off, it reveals it's ugly face and its the same every time... control. I want to control my life. For things to happen the way I think they should, when I think they should. If I give my life completely to God... I don't know what will happen.
I've always craved adventure, danger, excitement (I thought), but now opportunity for a journey into the wilds of the heart of God is waiting for me but I'm too scared. I've always said I'm tough, it takes a lot to scare me, I can handle pretty much anything... so what am I waiting for? Like anything I can dream up for myself is more amazing than what God created.
I want to be loved... God IS love.
I want to be thought beautiful... God IS beauty
I want to dance through life... God IS the music in my soul.
I want someone to dance with... God created him.
Please make me let go!! To put aside the mediocre so I can receive the magnificent. To put aside the make believe and become who I was meant to be.
~ Katie
4-13-2010 8:13p.m.
I'm on the verge of unstoppable tears, some have fallen, are brimming, yet something holds back the torrent. The pressure its building in my head, my throat, my chest... my heart, is suffocating. Pride goes before the fall so they say. I've always taken pride in my strength. Perhaps this is why I'm falling so hard to my worst weaknesses. Countless times to myself I've declared how I'm going to change my surroundings, my people, the world... me. Yet, here I sit as tattered and broken as I've ever been, despising the things in me that need to go, need to change. But I can't seem to gain any ground. I'm drowning. In a sea of heart ache, selfishness, momentary pleasure, confusion, impatience, distrust... and the second God draws me to the surface I take a glorious breath, then dive back in 'til my air is gone and I'm hopelessly entangled again, with no obvious way out. When will God get tired of dragging me back to His surface?
I've read a story about a little girl who has a set of plastic pearls that she dresses up with all the time and loves dearly. Her Dad has a set of real and beautiful pearls he wants her to have but he wants to make sure that she's ready for the real thing so he asks her if she will give him her pearls and she says "no". He continues to ask her everyday and finally with tears in her eyes, because her heart is broken over the loss of what she thinks she wants, she gives them to him and this is when he gives her the real thing.
I feel like this may be exactly where I'm at. I'm dressing up everyday with something other than the very best that God has for me. I am so scared to let it go because I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared if I let go of this, there won't be anyone else to come along. I have to get used to it just being me. I know God is there for me. He's the lover of my soul and He has my future in His hands but I'm so tired of waiting. God forgive me for my severe lack of faith, for my doubt. I'm stretching out my hands but they're balled into fists. This has always been my number one struggle. It has masqueraded around my entire life as many different things but once the masks are peeled off, it reveals it's ugly face and its the same every time... control. I want to control my life. For things to happen the way I think they should, when I think they should. If I give my life completely to God... I don't know what will happen.
I've always craved adventure, danger, excitement (I thought), but now opportunity for a journey into the wilds of the heart of God is waiting for me but I'm too scared. I've always said I'm tough, it takes a lot to scare me, I can handle pretty much anything... so what am I waiting for? Like anything I can dream up for myself is more amazing than what God created.
I want to be loved... God IS love.
I want to be thought beautiful... God IS beauty
I want to dance through life... God IS the music in my soul.
I want someone to dance with... God created him.
Please make me let go!! To put aside the mediocre so I can receive the magnificent. To put aside the make believe and become who I was meant to be.
~ Katie
posted by Katie @ 12:06 PM
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