Adonai

Went out tonight with a guy from work, had a nice time. We wound up in Lobos hanging out with some other employees (im attempting to be more social this year, not sure how long that will last)

The conversation took a tun towards bashing Christian music, then Jesus jokes. My heart instantly pricked and I had to get up and leave. Don't think anyone knew anything was wrong but I was so heart sick I could no longer sit there. They were makin fun of the whole rapture thing and one girl said something about "good they ll all be gone then" and everyone laughed... at my Jesus. I just walked out. Tears stinging my eyes. I suddenly had the most intense NEED to be alone with Jesus. I  couldn't get to my room fast enough. I threw on my jammies curled up on my bed in the darkness and sought the presence of my savior. Tears just poured unchecked down my face as images of "The Passion" churned through my head and the sad thoughts of how these people have NO clue the consequences of what they just said and were laughing about. It broke my heart.... I kept thinking of the line in a song that says "break my heart for what breaks your's" and I don't know that I could truly handle that. This was just a glimmer of a drop of what God feels everyday... and it absolutely crushed me. I hugged my knees to me as tears poured down my face and begged God to hug me. Never have I needed so badly to feel the presence of my Jesus. I just kept asking him over and over to hug me, I wanted to feel something. Out of the blue, a song I haven't heard in ages kept running through my head. I couldn't remember all the lyrics but just kept singing softly over the squeaking of my cries "Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry, oh my Adonai. You're the maker of each moment, Father of my hope and freedom, oh my Adonai" 

That's all i could remember as I sat there wishing to feel a hug. Needing to feel but I wasn't feeling anything. I looked on my facebook thinking "I bet someone posted something about sending me a hug cause God knows I need it..." Nothing. I was disappointed but I decided to youtube that song and hear it all. I started like 6 different videos but kept changing it... wasn't sure why. The last version I loaded was Avalon in front of an audience and the one girl started talking, introducing the song. She said it talks about how the God of the universe, the creator of everything we see is also here holding us, close to His heart everyday. He's our Adonai. I just started bawling and laughing. It just amazes me, although maybe it shouldn't that the littlest things like needing an affirmation of a hug and closeness... he takes care of it all.  Then a line in the song that I had no recollection of, says "you're out beyond the furthest morning star, yet close enough to hold me, in your arms" Overwhelming. His love for me. His tolerance of me. Him. 

I want so badly for others to see Him in me.